I will always remember the day in fifth grade when we learned about similes, metaphors and alliterations. It was then that I knew I was different; I was the only one enjoying the lesson. I had no choice but to feign nonchalance to avoid ridicule.
Who would have imagined that day in Mrs. Sergent’s class that 40 years later there would exist, in a place called the Internet, a website of hip hop similes? Yes, indeed. I found it, a site described as “The best rap lyrics, hip hop similes, metaphors, clever battle raps and punchlines.” The best. Among all the sites for rap lyrics, hip hop similes, metaphors, clever battle raps and punchlines this one is “the best.” Or so it claims. Not surprisingly, it’s pretty off-color, especially to a middle aged word geek. But I’m amused that it exists.
I’ve always enjoyed a good simile, and when I hear a good one I tuck it way for emergencies.
I once worked with a colorful Texan who used to describe being “as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.” Others I like include:
“busy as a cross-eyed boy at a three-ring circus”
“hard as putting pantyhose on a porcupine”
“happy as a pig eating pancakes”
“quick as a nun’s kiss”
“off like a prom dress in May”
There’s another cute one going around, “my grandma’s teeth are like stars, they come out at night.”
Do you have a favorite?
Word Nymph 
And let’s raise our coffee cups this morning to two Simile Superheros, Dan Rather and Ross Perot.
Some Texas-flavored ones I’ve encountered:
He looks like he was sacking bobcats and ran out of sacks.
She looks like she was beat through Hell with a soot bag.
It looks like something that dropped out of a tall cow’s ass.
Moms Mabley once said that having sex with her husband was like pushing a car uphill with a rope.
Your grandmother used to say that she was so tired, she felt like she’d “been drug backwards through hell and beat over the head with a soot bag.”
“Useless as a screen door on a submarine.”
Sounds like you would really enjoy this book:
http://www.amazon.com/This-Dogll-Hunt-Wallace-Chariton/dp/1556221258
Hi – I’m the owner and producer of Glennraps.com – thanks for the love.
Full disclosure: the site has the best material, by my standards, which are extremely ambiguous, opaque, and variable. The site was really built purely for amusement, so I’m thrilled it spoke to you that way. 😀